Here I am again

 Hello! 

I'm 98,5% sure that no one reads my blog anymore but I happened to read back on my blog posts and it made me want to write another entry. Why? Because it's actually quite lovely to read back and remember some of the past in more detail (I'm surprisingly forgetful when it comes to a lot of the details of my life) and learn again what my spiritual journey was  when I was a wee bit younger. 

As I reached the blogs from recent years from 2018 and 2021 I realised that actually it would be quite nice to have some account of my current life that I can read about when I'm older again. The posts about my husband and my children and how I'm feeling about as a mother are the ones I cherish the most. Reading about my late teen years and early adulthood are fun to read but it's almost like reading about another person. 

Yesterday I came across a line from one my entries that I had written when I was already living in England and I was thinking about my future husband and it said: 'I'm sure God has already lined up someone amazing for me'. As you can read from an entry abot my husband you know that I was right. I'm so glad I wrote that one about him, now 6 years ago, because when life goes on we tend to forget about a lot of the blessings in our life and spouses become more of a routine filled life than someone that you fully appreciate. Sometimes we take them for granted when they deserve to be affirmed. I can honestly say that not much what I wrote back then has changed. He is still my absolute favourite person in the world. I love spending time with him, even when we do nothing and just sit on the couch and watch a mindless tv series. He is still an absolute amazing dad for our children (which is now twice the amount it was back in 2018) and he still prays for our children every single day. 

Ricky found our little wedding book the other day and some guests had written in there that married life will only get better in time. There are times where it is really really hard and I miss the times when we first got together and had all those sparks and excitement and lovey dovey feelings. But I can 100% say now that it absolutely does get better. I find so much comfort in knowing Ricky so well and him knowing me so well. There's a certainty and safety in our marriage and the way we are with each other, always open about ourselves and about other people that we never doubt that we are each other's priority. When we are apart for a day or more it's hard and we miss each other a lot and we wish to be together. Ofcourse times apart are important sometimes to realise that we actually would rather be together. 

Ricky has a massive heart for people and he is so emphatetic and loving and caring. He's got the gift of encouragement and he uses it every single day, whether it's with someone from work or someone from church or some family member or neighbour or from the gym, or even a stranger. He helps people see what is good in them and builds them up. He sees when people are weary or in pain or in trouble and he always makes a point of being supportive and encouraging. Whenever he can he will also do it practically to relieve someone else's burden. 

He relies on the Lord even when it's difficult. He battles with anxiety but is always trying to overcome it. He knows and believes God can deliver him and he will keep fighting to one day receive victory over it. I'm really proud of him seeing all the progress he has made over the years, even if I don't always react the best way to his stumbles I know in my heart that he is trying his best. And he always wants to be the best for me and the kids. 

I can also say that he is still competitive in nature when it comes to exercising. I still dont have any love for excersising as much as Ricky tries to ignite a fire in me but he has inspired me to look after myself more over the years and ofcourse, he is the voice, LOUD voice next to me shouting: GET IT! He's my number one supporter and cheerleader, sometimes annoying but always full of love! But Ricky still loves giving himself a good challenge physically and I can always see how happy he is when he accomplishes something new. Especially if it's beating his own records from when he was a few years younger and maybe a little fitter. 

He is super faithful in church too. There has been struggles over the years but one of the things I admire most about him is that he keeps on serving the Lord. Even when people can hurt him (as people do, cause we are all humans unfortunately) or bring him down he never spits his dummy out and says he doesn't want to serve. He always knows who it's for and HE, the LORD is far more important than anyone else on Earth. Even when he himself brings himself down he will still overcome, like he did in COVID when he really really didn't want to lead worship and he still did it because he believed that's what God wanted. I mean... what's more to want in a husband? :) 

He has taught me so much over the years when we've been married. I mentioned in the previous posts about how he is good with confrontation and he doesn't have any issues talking about hard things. And it has definitely changed me into being a more open person with him and other people around me. He might regret teaching me that now though :D Now I don't shut up! HAA! But all in all it's something that has made our marriage stronger and it will help stay strong for the next years to come. 

Okay, it's such a long positive post about Ricky that I need to bring out something negative too.... here it goes... you ready? 

He snores SOOOOOOOO LOUDLY!!!! You'd think I'm sleeping next to a truck! Good job I'm a deep sleeper, otherwise I'd be up all night!!! 😂😂😅😅

Anyway, my husband is awesome and I love him very much! ❤

Reality Of Now

 Yesterday I wrote an entry to this blog after not done it for a few years. Today I started reading my blog from the beginning, well that's a lie, i started yesterday. Today I continued doing it. I must say, it has taken me into bit of a black hole. All these memories and thoughts written on here across 13 years. Some of them which I had forgotten about, some of them which instantly brought back feelings, emotions, nostalgia! 

At one point I lifted my head up from my phone and looked at my three children and thought... wow... what a difference these years have made.  It was such a surreal moment. When I was reading my blog it was as if I was back to being that person again and then coming back to reality it felt like I was this teenager with a full life, husband and children who need their bums wiped. What?? :D Me?? :D 

Anyway... that spiked a few thoughts in me that I just wanted to write down as kind of a reference for the future, you know, another 13 years that will pass in a flash and my small children will be teenagers by then... 

Reading all my posts there was a few things I noticed and wanted to ponder on a little bit. Firstly, I wrote A LOT about God. Looking back to my life I don't think I necessarily thought about myself as this spiritual person who thinks about God all the time. I know I didn't write my blog every single day, but still, most of them spoke of Him. I am actually really positively suprised about that. I know in my heart that it hasn't changed for me and even now, my first entry after 3 years still speaks of God and related thoughts. I never want to get lost in the 'ordinary' life and only thinking of earthly things. I use the word 'earthly' instead of 'wordly' because not all things eartlhy are worldly if you know what I mean. My husband and my children are a reality of living on earth and every day life is something that we talk about all the time. And talking about it isn't wrong. Everything has to have a right balance I think. 

Secondly, I loved reading my Estonian. Living in England and speaking English to my family has slowly put my estonian on the backburner. I wrote a few entries in English and honestly, I wasn't too impressed. I'm sure at the time I felt like it was awesome. But now I'm loving reading my Estonian. It was back when I still knew how to speak and write it, with words in the right order :D. I am not sure this is the case anymore. I might have to try and write one in Estonian again to test myself. 

It's incredible to read all these memories and all the things I was up to. All these friends and hangouts and camps and festivals and youth conferences and church and choir and more friends. I'm not sure if anyone from my old friends circle is going to read this, but a huge SHOUT OUT to Matteus, Anthony, Marii, Imre, Matthias, Linda and my sisters and Ulli who always had nice things to comment and encourage me in my life and in my doings. I miss you all very much and cherish the moments we had together. 

Now I want to talk a little bit about my life here. It's been almost 10 years since I moved here. I'm no longer a person that stays out or stays up for long hours of the night. I'm a mother of 3 beautiful children, a wife to an exceptional husband, I lead worship and help out with creche at my church and occasionally I meet up with my mum friends. This pretty much sums up my life at the moment. 

When me and Ricky first got together it was a quick journey to getting engaged (TODAY IS OUR ENGAGEMENT ANNIVERSARY) and then getting married and then ofcourse getting pregnant with our first child Olivia. It's been an incredible journey and learning how to not look back and wish for old times or a certain type of freedom but more to look ahead and see all the blessings of now and what's to come. 

In my next post I'd love to write more about my children, if for nothing else, then just to read back on it when I've forgotten this stage. 

BYE!

The World We Live In

 It's been quite a chunk of time since I last posted anything on this blog. Amy and I were talking about laptops the other day and that made me remember about my own. I got it out today, I have to say, there's something freeing about having a laptop to use instead of a phone or an iPad. Doesn't feel as addictive (maybe cause I haven't had it out for years). 

Opening my blog and deciding what to write about has always been a bit of a challenge. I've never thought of myself as slow but I definitely take a lot of time to think things through. Mainly when it comes to spiritual things or relationships. So when I want to write something here it's usually one or the other, therefore not an easy task. 

So what's been on my mind lately? Probably the same old same old. How to live for God, how to keep up the standard of a Christian life, how to manage that in a marriage, how to pass it on to your children etc. Easy breezy huh? HAH! 

It's getting harder and harder to have clear lines in our lives when it comes to standards. The world around us makes it harder actually. There's no longer a right or wrong. There's a way that works for you and if it doesn't for someone else, TOUGH. If you're judging someone else that means you're wrong already. If you think your way is right, you're wrong already. But in reality, if I'm a Christian I should have a very clear right or wrong. I had a chat with a friend of mine about compromising in today's world and we came to a conclusion that if you know the Bible there's not a lot you can compromise on. As a Christian, if you know your Bible, there's not loads of unclarity or blurry lines. There's no compromising with the world. 

There's a massive increase in thinking if we are a little bit more like the world then the world will find us more attractive and we can reach more people and lead them to Christ. Again, if we know our Bible, that couldn't be further from the truth. We need to be set apart, we need be a light on top of a hill. We can't do that if we are matching our light to the world's. 

As Christians we should always guide our decisions through the Jesus filter. It's kind of like WWJD (remember those bracelets?). Every decision, every thought, every action, let's put it through Jesus filter. I think a lot of people, a lot of Christians don't do that because that means they'll have to change so many things in their lives that they are used to, having to get rid of bad habits, give up dreams and goals etc. But I believe whole heartedly if we do that and we focus on Jesus and give it our 100% it'll change our lives for the better, we will receive more freedom, and we WILL be SET APART for His purposes. 

So... yeah.... something light and breezy :D 

How to parent

I put this title to this post because it sort of makes me laugh. The more I spend time with my kids and try to parent them the more I realise I have no idea what I'm doing. And the more I hear stories from other parents I understand that I'm not alone in this. I know there's a lot of teaching and a lot of 'rules' how to raise your kid the best you can but I've never understood how this could be something that suits every single parent and every single child because every single parents and every single child is different. There's no 'formula' to use to make sure you get it right.

I've noticed about myself as well that when giving advice I do seem to think that what I'm doing is the best way. Even though I avoid using the word: definitely. There's nothing definite in raising a child. You can't be sure of any method that it'll actually work with your child. Granted, Ricky and I have more of a free raising thing going on. We don't have many routines, or if we do, they don't resemble like one. 

I am also not free from judging other parents, as much as I try to not to. But on the other hand I'm also not free from feeling judged or being embarrassed about the way I raise my children. For example, I have always wondered why parents put kids to sleep early, which results them waking up painfully early. Maybe it's because I hate waking up early so that never made sense to me. But the truth is - because I don't like putting my kids to sleep early I am sacrificing something else - my time with my husband. We sometimes can't even get 5 minutes to ourselves for a chat or do our devotional. So you see, it's one or the other. It's great for parents that have got that balance just right. But I have not heard about that couple yet.... 

The more I think about it, the more I have come to these conclusions. Firstly, figure out what you want. I know that in this world we live in we have this mentality that we should always do what's best for our kids. Honestly, I don't know if that makes me sound terrible, but I don't agree with it. I say - do what's best for your spouse, do what's best for you, do what's best for God and then work around it. It's all connected to what's best for your child. Parents that can't find time for each other are not best for your child. Parents whose lives do not revolve around God are not best for your child. If the kids are the centre of your life they will always think they'll be the centre of life. 

So, that's my thoughts, it's not a TRUTH BOMB like some of the videos we see on Facebook but it's how I think and what I want to apply to my life. 

Bless you! 

I would I should I could

I thought about writing more in the blog and when I was trying to figure out what to write about I had about 100 different topics in mind. My brain is on full mode lately. I think about everyone and everything. I'm glad that I have friends that I can talk to, otherwise my head would explode. But I didn't just want to write a massive ramble about all the hundred things in my mind. So I figured I'll start writing this and see what pops in my head first and that's what I'm gonna write about.

I read my old posts. I started with one before last and just continued to go further and further, just to see what my life was about and what I was thinking about. Honestly, I was pleasantly suprised and also a bit taken aback. Almost every single post was about God and what He's talking to me about.
Pleasantly suprised because through these posts I saw that God was the centre of my thinking but also taken aback because I'm massively struggling with that side of my life right now. Maybe it's because I'm trying to raise two kids and don't have time to invest spiritually as much anymore. But maybe it's not that. Maybe I'm making it an excuse to not work hard enough to get back on track or at least get to a place where I'm happy. Don't get me wrong - I am happy! I'm happy because I'm married to an amazing man. I'm happy because I have two wonderful children and I have the privilege of raising them and they often bring joy into my life. I'm happy that I have close friends around me and I get to share my experiences with them. I'm happy I'm in a great church where there's lots of opportunities. So, you see, I have a lot to be happy about.

In some of my posts from the past I talked a lot about this feeling of missing something or a desire for something. And at this point of my life, where I have 'everything' it has come back to me. I've always known what it is - it's called: 'not enough Jesus'. I'm sure some of you can relate with the struggle, honestly I hear it all the time - I SHOULD be reading more of the Bible, I SHOULD be praying more, I SHOULD do this and that for God. And very often, the next time I see those people again it's the same story. It's the same story in my own life, in my own head. The intention is there, the action is not. I can't blame anyone else for it, although I really want to... My husband gets some of the blame, even though he shouldn't.

I think what I'm trying to say with this post is that even though from the outside it seems like we have everything and moving forward we want more out of life, it feels absolutely empty when you don't have God. It sounds a bit horrible, when I'm saying I'm feeling empty when I'm spending time with my husband, when I'm spending time with my kids, but it's the reality. My family is great, but God is so much greater, not by a few times, but a million times. And before writing this post I attempted to write another one about a different (but similar) topic that basically was going to focus on the fact that whatever we have to choose I would always choose God. Even though it literally makes me feel like a bit of a bad mother and forgive me if you find this a bit harsh, but the truth is:  I am willing to give up my children if I'm given a choice between them and God. And if you want to ask me 'why' then honestly if you are a Christian, you need to dig deeper into God.

So, a heavy post this time... the next one might be a bit happier :D

New year, new you!

Time flies when you are having fun.

Last time I wrote an entry in my blog was 2014 June, since then, a lot has happened. 

I was dating someone at the time, got engaged to him, got married to him and had two babies with him too. So I guess you could say, my life has changed drastically in a space of a few years. 

And you know what, it's great, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I feel like I've changed a lot in these years too. Firstly physically, because having babies changes your body, and sleeplessness probably makes you look older too :D But secondly, more importantly I've changed as a person. At least I'd like to think so. In this world, I think people often take pride in never changing and maintaining same lifestyle and habits. It's almost sacred. And if you lose those habits and that free lifestyle, as to say, I'm my own boss, they miss it, they feel bad for themselves, wanting back the good old days and so on. I'm the complete opposite. I wouldn't change my life back for anything. Of course the physical aspect is always different. Who doesn't want to be fit and look great? But less about that and more about the other thing.
I'm a different person and proud of it. Of course, God has been main factor in changing me and most of my blog entries are about Him but I want to focus on someone different this time.
Someone that God put in my life - my husband of almost three years now: Ricky.

Thinking of him being in my life as he is actually makes me tear up (as I am now, writing this). I don't even know where to start. We often hear that sentence when it comes to people finding each other - opposites attract. I never found it completely true because of guys I have met and have had crushes on over the years, but when it comes to Ricky it is SPOT ON! I don't think I could've imagined anyone so different from me to fall in love with. A few examples - he is emotionally so open, he doesn't hold grudges, he is completely comfortable with talking about issues and addressing them. He almost never lets me get away with holding my frustration, sadness or anger in. It's great! But also super challenging. But he has taught me sooooo much because of it and I still have a long way to go but I feel like it's perfect for our marriage to grow better and better in years to come.

Another thing about him is that he is completely fine with confrontation. I couldn't think of anything worse for myself but he is not afraid of conflict and also not afraid of dealing with it. It's great because I can always rely on him to get things done. Other people don't intimidate him so when something needs to be said or needs to get done he is ready for it. I'm nervous to even call my doctor to get an appointment..... It's something I'd like to be better at in the future, but I think it'll take slightly more time than other things :D I'm in no rush.

When I was growing up, and mostly as a teenager I had this idea in my head that it's cool to be overly sarcastic, I hated people touching me, found it weird to say to people that they are dear to me or that I love them. I guess a lot of it was because my parents didn't do that with us. And it's not something they could've helped. It was just that time. Affection wasn't a priority. It was more about raising us to be active Christians, just the softness part was left out. I guess I have come to find that path on my own, but I'm not blaming my parents for that (not anymore at least, I've done Route 61). So when I met Ricky, he was always so vocal about what he felt. After he said 'I love you' for the first time, it was the beginning of a lot of I love yous. He's not afraid to express his feelings, even if it means being a complete dork about it :D He can be the manliest man in the world when he wants to be, but he can also be a big softy about the people he cares about. And he cares a lot. This is something that's really hard to compete with. I know it's not a competition but if it was, he'd be winning. I find now that habits are not something that just happen, you can also make them happen. Ricky makes me want to have a habit of being better at expressing my love for him and for my kids. I want all three of them to never have to question what I feel about them.

Another thing that Ricky is different from me is his physical training. He's done some kind of exercise his entire life. Whether it was boxing, or cage fighting or jiujitsu or now crossfit, he is always in need of physical activity. I've always been passionate about hating exercise. I mean it's not completely true but it's also not completely wrong. I don't find enjoyment in planning to go to the gym or do a workout every single day. If I do it, I always just wanna get it over and done with. I enjoy the after, when I no longer need to do it. But it's always not a good enough feeling to keep at it. So he really is an inspiration in that area too and he is always super supportive, whenever I'm thinking about starting with some physical activity.

So these are some of the things we are different in but there's more about him than these. 

I have to mention the love that he has for his children. I already mentioned how much he loves in general but this love stands separate. He's always wanted to be a father and if you ask me, he's one of the best dads I know. He always wants to be with our kids, he puts a lot of effort in raising them, so it's not just on me to make sure they get raised properly, he wants things for them, making sure they are getting everything they need. He is always there for me when I need help, when I need sleep after being up with one or two of them. We truly raise them together, 50/50 (even though, time wise I do spend more time with them but that's not what I mean). He never ever just leaves me 'to deal with the kids' because it's 'my job'. He knows its both of our job. He is a wonderful wonderful dad :) 

Now... I simply can't not write about who he is as a Christian. The fact of the matter is that even though 'opposites attract' and this is how its meant to be for us, we had to have this one thing in common - our faith. We wouldn't be together without God. In the early stages of dating I made sure I found out what his relationship was with God for real. I wanted to be sure that whatever happens, he will always choose God over anything else. And after he said he does he continued to show me that he does. And I have to say, nothing makes me more proud than seeing him make choices for God. He's won medals and belts in jiujitsu and other sports and prizes at work but his growing relationship and seeing his priorities in his faith is number one thing that makes me fall in love with him more and more each time. He's a prayer warrior, he's never afraid to pray for other people for what they need in their life. If you call him up and ask for prayer, you can be 100% that he will do it. Our kids are absolutely covered in prayer from head to toe just because of him. There's hasn't been a day that our kids or our marriage hasn't been prayed for. And I'm certain that this will be one of the reasons our lives will grow closer to God as the time goes on. 

Also - did I mention that he's sexy as heck? 

Your truly,

Mrs Beadnall

God's love.

I was reading through my old posts recently and I noticed how almost every post ended with the realisation that I can't imagine my life without God. I had one of these moments this morning.

I was reading 1.John chapter 4 from verse 7 where it talks about the love for God and people. It's quite a repetitive passage because it keeps saying that we love because He has loved us and what He did for us was the greatest act of love and if we understand it we cannot NOT love. I had a conversation with my housemate some time ago and we discussed that it is actually quite hard to start disliking someone because they're mean or full of themselves or whatever else. Because as we learn about God and more about His love we cannot stay unchanged. It'll do something inside us. It will crack us. It'll make us look at others differently. So if they're mean, why are they mean? What has happened in their life to make them like this? Have they experienced God in their lives? I think the answers would change how we think about them.

I had an experience at work with a colleague. I'll be honest, he can be quite annoying (understatement how I feel most of the time when we work together). And many times I've had to take a deep breath just to be able to deal with him and my growing irritation. But one time when we were working together and I was looking at Him God spoke to me and said: ' He is my son and I love him'. My heart broke for him. I've had many conversations with him about God and Jesus and what I believe and what he believes but I never seem to get through to him properly. But I guess at the end of the day there is only so much you can say and then you will just have to love and let God do His work.