I thought about writing more in the blog and when I was trying to figure out what to write about I had about 100 different topics in mind. My brain is on full mode lately. I think about everyone and everything. I'm glad that I have friends that I can talk to, otherwise my head would explode. But I didn't just want to write a massive ramble about all the hundred things in my mind. So I figured I'll start writing this and see what pops in my head first and that's what I'm gonna write about.
I read my old posts. I started with one before last and just continued to go further and further, just to see what my life was about and what I was thinking about. Honestly, I was pleasantly suprised and also a bit taken aback. Almost every single post was about God and what He's talking to me about.
Pleasantly suprised because through these posts I saw that God was the centre of my thinking but also taken aback because I'm massively struggling with that side of my life right now. Maybe it's because I'm trying to raise two kids and don't have time to invest spiritually as much anymore. But maybe it's not that. Maybe I'm making it an excuse to not work hard enough to get back on track or at least get to a place where I'm happy. Don't get me wrong - I am happy! I'm happy because I'm married to an amazing man. I'm happy because I have two wonderful children and I have the privilege of raising them and they often bring joy into my life. I'm happy that I have close friends around me and I get to share my experiences with them. I'm happy I'm in a great church where there's lots of opportunities. So, you see, I have a lot to be happy about.
In some of my posts from the past I talked a lot about this feeling of missing something or a desire for something. And at this point of my life, where I have 'everything' it has come back to me. I've always known what it is - it's called: 'not enough Jesus'. I'm sure some of you can relate with the struggle, honestly I hear it all the time - I SHOULD be reading more of the Bible, I SHOULD be praying more, I SHOULD do this and that for God. And very often, the next time I see those people again it's the same story. It's the same story in my own life, in my own head. The intention is there, the action is not. I can't blame anyone else for it, although I really want to... My husband gets some of the blame, even though he shouldn't.
I think what I'm trying to say with this post is that even though from the outside it seems like we have everything and moving forward we want more out of life, it feels absolutely empty when you don't have God. It sounds a bit horrible, when I'm saying I'm feeling empty when I'm spending time with my husband, when I'm spending time with my kids, but it's the reality. My family is great, but God is so much greater, not by a few times, but a million times. And before writing this post I attempted to write another one about a different (but similar) topic that basically was going to focus on the fact that whatever we have to choose I would always choose God. Even though it literally makes me feel like a bit of a bad mother and forgive me if you find this a bit harsh, but the truth is: I am willing to give up my children if I'm given a choice between them and God. And if you want to ask me 'why' then honestly if you are a Christian, you need to dig deeper into God.
So, a heavy post this time... the next one might be a bit happier :D
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